A love story.

You know because we get hurt, in order to get over the hurt, we deliberately lose the ability to love. We think no one will fall in love with a sad sob like us. We think we can never find someone to actually sleep with a sad sob like us. But when you do, when you realise you don’t have to be this sad sob, that there are many sad sobs like us out there, you realise it’s easy to find love. And you realise that you have been a poor sport all along, begging for love when you had none to give.

Now I am just stuck. Should I just get attached to this person who got me out of this dilemma or should I find new love?

I guess I just will leave things to the test of time.

The mass hypothesis spam.

I used to read one single 100 page book by Osho hundreds of times. This book was just his thoughts on how normal man is and how a man actually must be.

He starts with an illustration where he pours a cup of tea into an already filled cup and the rest just overflows even as he pours from the kettle. He breaks you, and then fills us with his own crap. I am not sure if he was right, but somehow I couldn’t agree with all his ideas. Some of his ideas really really helped me become a very very better person and I am very grateful to him.

But there is this thought that stuck with me, that I couldn’t arrive at a conclusion for. He says, man should focus on the task at present and be there when it’s necessary. Like I have something to do, I keep thinking about work and hence I mess up at work. He says not to let your mind waver. He says to do the right thing when the condition needs be. This is very very profound advice, one that would guarantee to make you society’s puppet. But see, our priorities in life varies. My work isn’t what’s important to me and my family is. So I ought to think about what I can do better to make my family happy, right?

I wanna read now. But I love making noises with my violin. I wanna become a better violin player and I just go through the day thinking about wanting to become a better violin player. This gives me purpose. This thought keeps me motivated through the day. I don’t feel like I am just a lifeless corpse wavering through the day, to meet the ends meet. I finally can hear the music of life.

Love – as you perceive.

See I didnt understand love. I thought love is something that happens when two people stay with each other for a long time. You get used to them and you become codependent and that’s love.

So I started looking out for compatible women who would satisfy my criteria and wiling to be cohabitate with me.

I became a pleasure based creature. Instant gratification, satisfactory criteria matching became my priority. Whoever could make me happy I chose to be with them.

Until this happened. And am here in bed crying out tears.

She and I meet, sleep together. She was perfect in all ways yet she was lost. She made love but not to me. Ten days later, she says she is in love with another person, and I give her tips to get him back. I loved her more for the story she told.

Couldn’t text her back, because then I would just be trying to win her back while she says a part of her wants to end up with this another person. She blocks me after a while.

And I cry and cry. Maybe because someone finally acknowledged my sacrifice. Maybe someone finally sacrifice something so that they think I shouldn’t be hurt.

This was love. This was what I thought could never happen to me. This was what I was waiting for through my life. I never thought someone could love me enough to sacrifice something of value to them. And she did. Or I thought I did. I don’t know what’s true anymore.

But I never knew humans were capable of love. I never knew I am capable of love.

I am flesh, blood and only human. I seek pleasure and am constrained by the rules of time.

The journey to love.

You know most of my life, I have been living under the fear, a delusion rather, that if I don’t come through for people, their love for me would be replaced by someone else. Maybe on account of all the teenage superficial series I have watched where the nice guy always gets replaced because he wasn’t sexually stimulating or he wasn’t financially productive. I wanted to become all of that so that way there wouldn’t be any excuse for the girl to dump me. But then again that became a crutch later on, where I just constantly keep imposing people that they weren’t good enough for me and I needed someone better. Even now that part of me is bursting to come out as I want to try and show how charming I can get. And to top it all, most girls I have seen were superficially provoked very easily. And the nice girls, well I just know that I would hurt them and so I stay away.

But somewhere I have seen that once someone loved somebody, if that person were to meet the other somebody, they would show their love for this somebody because you know, some part of them were once in love with this somebody. This thought soothed me partly because now I realise that even though humans might change, they will always have a soft corner for someone they once loved.

On psychology basis, all the things could be explained because my parents loved my older brother despite all the traits i held, I as a kid thought was better than my brother. And to make them turn attention towards me I had to come up with something every time and maybe that’s why I have turned out like the way I am. Either way it’s sad to think that I wasn’t as loved as I thought I was.

A hundred years to get away from the trauma of childhood and the rest is you.

Denial of a self.

Back when my world was white, it felt good to be accepted and acknowledged. I also felt good when I could go through the same pain that everyone went through just to know that they aren’t the evil Satans that religions portray them to be. Everybody were human at some point of time, they don’t succumb to the demons outside but the demons within.

I clearly remember these lines that happened in the seventh standard of my school life. Back then I had a subject called moral science. I still don’t know why they had given such a complex concept on a seventh standard textbook, but I am glad they did or else I would have stayed ignorant. It was about a man who spoke on the stage about how smoking is injurious to health and that people should give up smoking. But then he goes back behind the stage and smokes a cigarette himself. People call him an hypocrite and then stone him. That was probably my first encounter with the word hypocrite, and later I learnt the proverb that ‘People who live in glass houses should not fling stones at others’. But as age passes by, my concept of the word hypocrite deepens. In that textbook, they were talking about how that man, who talked about other people to give up a health hazard as an unforgivable crime and such people should never exist. But what struck me was, that person knew, that person knew his problem, he knew what he could not give up, and he wanted others to give it up, because he knows what problems being addicted to it might cause him. He wanted others to be better while he himself rots. To a wannabe hero back then, being a hypocrite seemed like the greatest martyr that this world could ever produce. Hypocrites are like the batman without the mask and the money. I wanted to be a hypocrite. Perish while the world lives on.

But then later I realise that humans only needed an excuse to forgive themselves for their inability. You find a reason, you find an excuse, you can easily go back to being who you are. You just need to find a good reason. And a blame is an easy but a very very sufficient excuse. I can always blame my leader, i can always blame existence itself.

Years pass, I was still not convinced about the manner with which they portrayed that human. Because to me, he seemed like every great leader that India has had. Every Gandhi, every Nehru, every Kamaraj had his/her flaw. And I felt that all he did was be an hypocrite that I was at that time. And to acknowledge that that man is as evil as the textbook portrays would be to acknowledge myself as a very villainous person which I was not prepared to do back then. i was one, because on many occasions as a child I felt I had made people do what was right, while I very easily did the opposite. And the war waged on for 10 years.

I don’t want to be an hypocrite anymore.

A single thought can ruin your whole life. Work it out, talk it out, think about it. Find a friend. No thought is necessarily evil. I still blame my moral science book for such negative portrayal of a character. That harsh condoning took me 10 years to recover from.

Negative reinforcement never helps, realise that.

Credits: google images.

Parables

It smelled of mangoes. The hot air of the suburbs, in the Indian continent, the gloomy yellow of the evening sun, a strange black infusing the lonely room. He was afraid, of being left alone. The gloomy sun reminded him of the vacation, back during schooldays, when he was left alone, his dad had forever left him. He was afraid of evenings alone in the old house. He wanted someone to occupy the house, since. Didn’t matter who, it wasn’t the pussy he was obsessed with.

You know, we are so afraid to confront certain events of our past, that sometimes instead of going past the darkness, we choose to live with it, and hence find alternative solutions. But these alternative solutions kinda mess up with existing routes, hence even more altercations, more bypasses and subways.

Imagine there’s a straight road, the path is very obvious. Now a storm breaks, a tree is in your path. To save time you go roundabout. But you know that tree is gonna block the path of every one that comes on that road. And the best solution is to get rid of that tree. But we have no time, we need to keep moving, and we just let that tree exist. But you know, this tree is gonna increase the traffic in the new road, and well someday it’s gonna be too heavy for you to handle. So you know, when we you get time, try healing yourself or past events. Try breaking free from your haste decisions.

And that’s what he ought to do now. He sat still on the ground, his back rested on a wall, he gave up hope, he accepted defeat. He realised he was running away from being with his lone self. And the moment he realised his mistake, his head felt light. Because he no longer had obligations to indulge. He doesn’t have to pay up a hooker, or go to a bar and find a drunk crazy self loathing woman. He doesn’t have to host expensive parties to drown his loneliness or spend his evening getting drunk on expensive whiskey. He doesn’t have to rob another man of his hard work, doesn’t have to hold a knife to another man’s throat, doesn’t have to constantly hide from the police. He can be as he is, doing nothing, seeing nothing, but being everything. He can be himself, and there doesn’t have to be fear anymore. He can be whatever he wants to be.

My people.

There was a woman, and she listened.

There was a woman and I talked a lot.

I was proud, I had to uphold my vows.

Because you have to be defined to make sense. And so I learned to walk by my promises. I took each of my words seriously even though I know, I know that this world has nothing good to offer.

Lots of words flew by as I was high, lost to the charms of this woman. I speak of valour, my superpower- vanity, I speak of what could be done to make the world better. She heard all I spoke, maybe she found a new song, maybe she found it funny.

Anyway, i needed purpose back then and I defined, life is anything but that lived for yourself. I say, you cannot desire anything for yourself because you can be happy with whatever you have, hence men must give and in giving we must learn to be happy. She chimed yes. I go on, twice. I go on thrice. I found peace playing God. But see now I know that people can do things for themselves and be happy.

I found happiness doing something new. Discovering something new, meeting new people, having new yet good moments of yourself. Having someone to recount the tales of all that was done and awed at. What’s life if not the people around you? This is the current answer that I have arrived at. I wanna make the people around me happy and to that end I would do whatever it takes to make it right.

And all the roads lead to Rome.

I keep looking for an answer. I try new paths which would resonate with me. Newer depths to be reached. But after everything I have tried, and believe me for 7 years I can think of nothing but what the ultimate truth is. I did have to forsake a lot of my life goals, but I feel like my path hasn’t changed much. I am right where I should be.

But whatever I do, in the end I end up here.

This place isn’t perfect, isn’t the heaven promised, but this feels so right and this feels like the beginnings to all great ends. This place actually shows me that there is a linear growth curve and there is lots I have to learn. And this place is when I want to associate every happening to my source.

I cannot desire as such, I can only desire for the growth of the fire in me and this fire will take me where I should go. I cannot go beyond an answer that could surpass this complexity. Believe me, I still hope I could simplify existence, but see, I just have to accept the truth when truth stares at my face and fails to fade away.

Why being an addict is derogatory.

It was a lonely night, I was hundreds of miles away from home. The people I called friends, unfortunately I decided to leave them, to stretch my wings. Celebration became impossible without another person, for I believe people are joy. I felt happy when I made another human happy.

I had to drink, because my thought process hit a wall. I had to drink because life seemed impossible without a storm toppling my ship. I had to drown to rise again. Toddy, the cheapest alcohol I ever had, one litre down, and I felt bliss. Drunk texted everyone I know. Two litres down and I wasn’t afraid of the bliss.

Alcohol made me creative, I know that. Alcohol made me lose my insecurities.

I was empty, sore from head to trunk, the best of the alcohols always had a price. I craved for another night. I craved yet more, but my body wouldn’t allow it.

Two days down, and my centre had shifted. I was plotting my life around alcohol at the nucleus. Maelstrom it had its name.

Well later on, I recovered, after some minutes of full-on self indulgence, I realised I was bored already and that it was time I do what I had to. Hence the alcohol addict did never come to be. So yeah those drugs which have the potential to cause an addiction-drugs, events, places avoid them, because you surrender to it against your will, and it never leaves a good taste in your mouth. Go back to your center. Go back to your purpose and you can get it all back.